It snowed for a bit this morning. I do likes me some snow. Shame it wouldn't settle.

Also, I dreamt last night that I was dancing with Gorgeous Landlord. While we danced I told him I no longer wanted to be just a cycling partner who he could sleep with. I was tired of being his f-buddy.

erm. WTF?! We've never been f-buddies and he's been nothing but an attentive, adoring, faithful, loving boyfriend for the past 2 years without fail. He's been the best thing that's ever happened to me and knocks the spots off anything I've dated before. I've never had it so green this side of the fence.

But it's only a dream. Although, if I just switch my brain from 'quiet and calm' to 'over-analysing hyper' setting *click* There we go. Now I can stop pretending I'm a-ok and oh-so-reasonable. So here goes.

Now that I'm set to over-analyse mode (used to be default. Landlord found the switch) I suspect it's the 'kids' issue. It's been something I've been thinking about recently and my family ask about.

First up, let me be clear that I'm not feeling clucky. I don't wistfully gaze at kids in pushchairs and wish I had one of my own (kids, that is - I could get my own pushchair any time I like, if I really really wanted one. And it would come in handy when shopping. I could drape 17 kilos worth of shopping bags over the handles and when I let go, the whole buggy flips backwards onto the floor. I would have to do without the catapulted child that you normally see when that happens to other people). I don't even dream of buying baby clothes or imagine bouncing one on my knee. I know I really don't want kids right now. I'm studying, plus I'm terrified of the life-long commitment having offspring represents. I'm afraid I'd invest time, emotion and care into someone who could turns out to be a vile human being, a mass murder, a religious fundamentalist, or even a person who would walk about in ugg boots.

I don't even like babies very much. To me, they're just poo producing food and wind bags that have to be kept clean and held the right way up and can't be kept in a cupboard when they becomes too cumbersome to carry around everywhere. And they have sessions of random, high volume noisiness that the parent has only a limited capacity to control. Having babies has never looked like fun to me. Kids don't become interesting to me until they can walk and talk and utter an opinion.

In short, the thought of having children scares the bejebus out of me but a part of me wants them, or at least wants to know it's a possibility. That same part of me also wants to have his and only his. Trouble is, I'm afraid of bringing this up with him because he's been so clear on the matter (no kids. I'm too old). And I can't say he never told me. In fact the very day after we first kissed he said "maybe we should stop this now, because we want different things. You say you want kids, I know I don't".

Well, too late, Mister. I was already completely in love with him. I'd been in love with him since we met a year before; a year during which he'd repeatedly told me he wasn't cut out for relationships - a nugget of wisdom he has since proven was a bluff.

I can't make him change his mind about children. He's entitled to never want or have them. I too am, of course, entitled to have them. I heard his warning but I wasn't prepared to call it off. I was already in love with him and did not know where I stood on the kids matter myself. Why dump this man whom I love for something I don't even know I want? I may never want children.

But.

I don't want to drift along and eventually find out I did want them and it's now too late. I don't want to come to resent him and myself for wasting my time. I don't like that I'm too afraid to talk about this. What kind of a relationship do we have if I can't bring it up?