Gorgeous Landlord asked me about my blog. Apparently last week mum said to him "take care of cookie" and that seems to have put the wind up him a bit.

I offered to send him the link. I mentally ran through my old post of when we were a new couple and the nightmare leading up to that fateful day evening in November and assess what damage they might do.

I've told him before: I am reluctant to share my blog address with him not because of what it says about him, but what it says about ME.

He asked me to tell him what the most embarrassing thing in my blog is and then it's the worst thing out of the way and I can share the blog address calmly. But I was looking at him over a bowl of chips in a smoky pub - how do I tell him I'm hopelessly in love with him but haven't yet managed to figure out how to say it without a) bursting into tears and b) having it sound too corny?

We went home, snuggled up in bed. I wanted to tell him. I burst into t ears in anticipation of telling him and then it seemed he'd dropped off to sleep, so I'd missed my chance. Damn, why is this so hard?!

Also, he sort of admitted he did try looking for my blog some time ago (somehow I didn't like that. I liked feeling I could trust him) and so now I'm pooing my pants that he's already found it, and is just after my express permission to read it so he can clear his conscience.

I think I should just give in and tell him. What do you think?

 EDIT:

 I was right. He's looking to clear his conscience. It was the space vegetable that tattled on me.

Gorgeous Landlord's been given the go-ahead to browse my archives, even the bits I cringe a bit at now (there are quite a few of those, but hey historical context and all that)

And so it turns out that Gorgeous Landlord likes my blog. Well considering I spent a sizeable proportion of my time revelling in how utterly gorgeous he is and can write lengthy prose on what makes him such a marvellous human being , it's no surprise, really. Heck I wish he had a blog where I could go to read about how wonderful he thinks I am. Damn why couldn't he have set up a blog when he was mulling over whether to make a move on his Gorgeous Lodger or not and then spend blog entry after blog entry dreaming about how much he wants to say he loves me, eh? I could do with some light reading.

I did blog a while back about how there isn't necessarily a need to say " I Love You", and that sometimes the understanding that you do can be just as nice and in a way even more important. Neither he nor I come from a family where love was said out loud a lot. It was there, an understanding between everyone but without necessarily being articulated. This explains why I feel uncomfortable when it is. I've always had a close relationship with my mother but we don't go around saying "I love you" all the time. not because we don't, but because we just know we do and I like that - knowing it is more important than hearing it.

Landlord comes from this school of thought too, which is why he's not been blurting out those words that I've been tying myself in knots over. He liked that we very openly show how much we care for each other in hundreds (thousands) of ways without speaking in cliches. I find I agree and "I love you" can seem like a just a cheap copy of what it's meant to describe anyway - far better to feel love than to hear it. Far better to express in ways that cannot lie. This explains why he's been so silent on the matter during all the times when I thought: "does he? I feel like he does but does he? I mean seriously! He does doesn't he? Oh man, I can't assume he does, but does he. I know I do and this is how I behave when I do but does he?"

Even so, I'm glad I've said it now. it's a weight off my chest, like a big secret to tell and it's now out there. He definitely knows and I know and you lot all know (well you lot have known for ages) and I feel like something in the universe has been set right. Finally.

ok, I know i've been slack with the whole blogging thing so it's an entry in list format. I apologise.

1. my silence is mostly caused by my workload. I've got too much to do and although I now have a temp, it's not actually diminishingmy workload one bit as I still have to train her, supervise and check her work on top of all the other stuff I'm meant to be doing.  I'm in the process of updating my CV because this job is challenging in all the wrong ways. The new 'team' I joined is no team. It's me stuck in a corner at a desk that's too small with no drawers. No one knows how to do what I do or offers to help so it means I carry the responsibility for it all alone. and frankly I'm not paid enough for that. I've loads of holidays owing that I can't take. This job is challenging in all the wrong ways.

Solution: updating CV and will contact agencies in near future. Although possibly not until I'm up to speed with my OU course.

 2. my OU course is interesting but a struggle. I'm a week behind and somehow have to catch up and get two weeks ahead so I can go away for Easter. An assignment is due the day I get back so that has to be done and sent before I set off, too. I'll likely take my textbooks with me in my bicycle panniers and do some studying in a tent with a headtorch.

Solution: Had the good fortune to fall in love with a good cook who tidies away after me. He's supportive and I have drawn up a timetable to get this ou stuff done so I can spend more time with him and less with Piaget and other psychologists.

3. I got my first TMA (assignment) back and got only 60%. That's my lowest ever score and it depressed me. After all the pain and struggle it seemed like too little return.

Solution: I've since given myself a slap and explained that it's still a decent pass mark so get over it and stop the whining already.

4. I got the results from last year's course in the post yesterday (the crappy experiment and terrible write up I did) and was eager to see whether I'd passed or not, I learned that not only had I passed but that I'd done rather well, too: A grade 2 pass with 77%. Marvellous. That cheered me up again.

5. I'm losing weight and have lost about 2.5kg and now fit back into my running trousers again. I still want to lose another 5kg and seem to be well on my way to doing that. And that's even BEFORE cycling season begins. This should make the hill climbing significantly easier what with being lighter now. But then again, all this means is I'll be able to carry more chocolate in my panniers.