|
|
|
|
Landlord had invited his brother plus family and his friend plus family over for Sunday lunch, adding up to a total of 6 adults and 5 children. It was good fun, though. The kids all get on (and so do the grown-ups for that matter).
While Landlord was in the garden playing ball games with the kids (who I am sure were letting him win) the two women (Sister in Law and Earth Mother) struck up conversation with me out of his earshot. Did I want babies - I do but I told them I was afraid of the whole baby concept -which I am-. I want them more than I implied at the time, though... If I'd said "oh absolutely, I'd be pregnant right now if I had my way!" they could easily have had a quiet word with Landlord, tell him I'm broody and when is he going to settle down and you can imagine what that would do to him. So I was being careful.
Then Earth Mother added that it's about time he settled down (too right, and preferably with me), she mentioned his ex and how unsuitable she had been (yes, I suspected as much), she mentioned that I certainly make him happy, he is much happier these days (really? woo!) and that he's a nice guy (I know, he's adorable). I said we'd have to see if I'm the girl to make him settle down, added that I'd like to be, but that he's a free spirit kinda person and joked that if they do their bit, I'll do mine.
She brought up the cancelled Italy trip (he had planned to cycle Italy this summer and his sister lives there, but over lunch admitted he had scrapped the idea) Earth Mother proposed that his scrapping his Italy trip at least says something. =Well maybe, but I can't assume he's scrapped it for my sake. He's heard that Italy cycling is not much fun as Italians drive like maniacs, so he's not necessarily cancelled the plans just for me.
As evidence that he doesn't cancel anything for my sake, I mentioned the South America thing. I explained that he had recently announced he still wanted to go and that it had upset me far more than I let show and he almost certainly has no idea how strongly I feel about it as I hid my distress from him. I then added that I was feeling more ok about it now, that I don't want to stop him doing it, and his lack of consideration for my position,in this escapade, which had hurt me initially, was poorly thought out because the whole plan was still in mere 'concept' form.
Earth Mother still seemed convinced (or hopeful?) that I was the one to make him settle dow but we had to drop the conversation as people were milling around us and no more was said.
So that was Sunday.
Monday evening, Landlord and I were in the pub and he brought up South America again. He said he had been thinking about what he would do with the house. He was thinking of renting the whole thing out as one three bed house while he's away. I held his gaze but my heart was on the floor. I didn't say anything, so he added he realised that put me in an unpleasant position. I can't quite remember what was said, it's a bit hazy. I think the disappointment at being told I'm going to have to move out and find a new place to live while he's away was too loud a feeling for me to hear my thoughts. "So he's kicking me out for his trip. He's leaving me for a year and I'm going to have find a new flatshare (I can't afford to rent my own place here) while he's off on his trip"
I suggested that he could maybe allow me to sublet the other rooms, take in two lodgers. He said he still preferred to rent it to one family or something.
Hmm, one year - you're not going to get many families willing to rent for one year and no longer - you're more likely to get it rented to three sharers, anyway. You'd have to speak to letting agents to find out about how likely it is to find that sort of tenant.
I tried really hard to be practical and to be helpful and not let this latest kick in the teeth take over. I tried to see it from his point of view and to be less self-interested but it's still such a bitter pill to swallow. He added (rather pathetically) that it is quite a fair way off (and what does that mean - we'll have split up by then? I'll have got used to the idea of being kicked out? what?!) and he then tried to change the subject to something cheerier. So what did he choose? A topic that is guaranteed to get me down. He asked me if I was any further in looking for a new job, as the one I am in is so dead-end. He suggested teaching (what part of: "I need a degree" does he not understand?) He wants me to teach German - sure I could do it, but I have no passion for German. I'd like teaching but please NOT GERMAN! and he started to push me to come up with other possible careers. (if I knew where I wanted to go in life, I'd be heading there by now. I have no qualifications except three A levels, some OU courses and amazing language skills I don't know what to do with - and where does that get me? I have NO IDEA.
So to recap:
1. I have teeth problems (through no fault of my own) that I don't know how I'm going to pay for. Where am I going to find the £8000 needed? or even the £4000 if I get it done abroad?
2. I'm going to give up the man I love so he can go away cycling for a year
3. To ease that, I get to find a new place to live, despite loving where I live. I can't afford my own place, so it'll have to be sharing or lodging.
4. and then to cheer me up, we talk about me not having a career or even career prospects. I have no aversion to training or gaining qualifications - I'm smart and am sure I'd do well in any course I take, I just don't know what course to do.
Walking home from the pub I couldn't even speak. I was too upset. We watched TV and he had arms around me but I was still just cold. I just found I was not really able to connect with him while I digested this new information. It was hurting all over again. I hated that he had been thinking about it, his trip, his plans, his house, no me, booting me out, argh!
Before bed, I offered him a back massage with the divine smelling Bergamot oil. I don't really know why - maybe to try to reconnect again, break out of this negative mental cycle or maybe to show I'm not trying to be bitter.
After he'd ooh and aahed his way throught he back massage, he offered me one, but I always decline when he offers, because his massaging me undoes the relaxing effects I've just been working to achieve. He pondered briefly that I never get one, as he only ever offers after I've massaged him, that he knows he ought to offer out of the blue like I do and not just when he's been spoilt - he seemed a bit disappointed with himself that he never offers.
Going to sleep, I couldn't cuddle into him, though. Quite unusually, he shuffled to my side for physical contact and I didn't even shuffle back. Still too upset, still unsure how I felt, all I knew was that I wasn't liking it and a tiny wall had been built between myself and him.
Am I being silly? I'm right to be upset, right? How can I handle/see this better? How should I approach this with him?
|
2.5.06 10:44
|
|
|
I was cycling home and at a traffic light (Neither Landlord nor I ever jump lights - not all cyclists are so irresponsible) I was waiting for the lights to change when I noticed a guy kept looking at me, even over his shoulder as he was walking past, I thought "Stop checking me out, never seen a girl cyclist before?". I caught his eye, held the gaze and he went red as he realised what I was thinking and he said "I was just appreciating the bike"
oh, ahem, oops. Yes, it is a nice bike.
|
3.5.06 12:08
|
|
|
what is worse, do you think?
1. really bad body odour - the kind to cause flowers to wilt and sparrows to faint and fall from the sky
2. really bad aftershave/bodyspray that makes up for its cheapness by being worn in great quanitity - as if the person using it does not realise a bottle is meant for more than on application.
answer: the heady and intoxicating combination of both on the same person
|
3.5.06 15:20
|
|
[next page]
powered by
20six.co.uk |
