Gorgeous Landlord and I have a running joke that the area behind the
shed at the bottom of the garden is where all his ex-lodgers are
buried.
So Saturday morning I awoke to hacking and scraping noises, looked out
of the my bedroom window and see Gorgeous Landlord digging a pit by the
shed. I asked whether he was exhuming an old one or had he found a new
lodger to replace me - He said nothing, just laughed (not maniacally, thank God)
Also, in other news - I invited him along to a colleague's barbecue.
All colleagues (who were eager to meet the legenday Landlord) were
under strict instructions not to spill the beans in a drunken
burble. - Unless Gorgeous Landlord was drunk already (as he has a
terrible memory when drunk). I resisted the urge to hover about him all
evening, so I left him to socialise without me, rejoined the
conversation group later, buzzed off again. Wanted to let him relax and
let others make up their minds about him.
My Manager came up to me at one point, whispered: "MADE for each other"
and another colleague said the same the following day at work. - yes
well
I know that, now he just needs to realise it. They have said that if you were to put
any two people together as a couple, it would be me and Gorgeous Landlord.
A colleague tactlessy offered us a lift home. I didn't want a lift
home,
I wanted to take the 15 minute walk as an opportunity to link arms or
something and gauge his reaction. Now it was too late - she'd already
offered, though she dropped us off the lights and we walked the last 5
minutes or
so.
I suddenly became super-conscious of being too scared to even touch
him, except for once, when I stopped him walking into a tree.
We got home and I instantly offered a cup of tea, as a cunning plan to
keep him downstairs and chatting. He's sensitive to caffeine and
doesn't drink tea after about 6pm but he accepted. (Hurrah!) and we sat
opposite ends of the kitchen table and talked. We talked of
relationships and exes, of intimacy and fear thereof. He spoke of how
in his past, his exes have orchestrated the relationship and he's felt
manipulated into them. Both of us seem to worry about getting into
relationships because of the difficulties of getting out of them. We
get anxious and flee. I remarked that "you and I are very similar" and
he agreed. - this felt, somehow, like a tiny step forward. That he
recognised this.
He then stood up with a decisive "right" and staggered upstairs. My heart
sank - off to bed already and too pissed to say goodnight *sigh*. But a
loo flush later and he was coming back downstairs. (HURRAH!!) and
poured himself a large whisky (DOUBLE HURRAH!!) and settled in to more
talking.
We talked more about exes and anxieties, about my fear of men, or
rather being tactile around men - that this is partly why I took up
salsa, to help break down these walls. We talked of his theory of
'easy-in, hard-out' for relationships. I remarked that this did not
apply to me. I tend to be the ice queen and it takes perseverence to
get me to allow people close. I spoke of salsa and how the guys are not
sure what to make of me. They all know I'm single and I'm getting
plenty of attention, but am not taking anyone up on their offers. If
anything, it makes the guys worse - I'm a challenge, I suppose. Being
out of reach makes me more fascinating. He laughed and said: "well you
resisted my charms"
*scratched record sound* -
what?! Did I miss
something? Has he made a pass at me once? Has he been putting on
charms?! or maybe he was just making a funny comment. hmmmm..... more
stuff for me to analyse.. oh boy.
But he must know I like him. When we talked of our similarities, I
commented on his habit of whenever he offers anything, it's always
followed by a negative. e.g. " I made some shortbread, would you like
some? its a bit dry though and I'm not very good with cakes" or "how's
about some steak tonight? I always overcook it though and my sauce will
probably go a bit wrong"
He looked down and said "yeah, it is a bit silly, I know"
"No, not at all, I like that. It's endearing, it's so YOU"
More chatting and more laughter and more amusing anecdotes, but
eventually Landlord and I decided it was time to hit the hay. (seperate
rooms, of course, you think I'd have written all the stuff above if I
had something like that to talk about?!)
Next morning I was up before him. He came down in his dressing gown.
First time I'd seen him without his clothes on, hahaha - I made him a
cuppa and we discussed plans for the day ahead. I mentioned the
Farmer's Market by the station and we decided to toddle on down there
and have a look. We didn't get anything, discussed that I should set up
a rival cake stand, we sipped some Lavender cordial, looked for amusing
shaped root vegetables and then headed off to town to buy shower gel and
chicken and things.
In the queue for the shower gel he looked out to Coffee Republic and suggested we go for a coffee.
*cue Cookie's heart leaping out of her chest, doing somersaults and
backflips in the shop, showering the air with heart -shaped glittery
sparkles and jumping back into her chest again*
He asked me for a coffee. We are ten minutes walk from home and he asks
me for a coffee - That means he enjoys my company and wants to sit down
and waste an hour or so... with me...ME! *squeak!*
A Mango Freezer (mine) and espresso (his) later, we head back home. He gets the roast going, but before it's ready, I have to
dash off, as I'm driver for the gang to salsa. He looked disappointed that
I was going to leave now and we wouldn't be eating together. I suddenly
didn't want to go. I wanted to stay. At salsa I could not enjoy myself.
I was thinking about him too much and when I got home at about 2am, I
saw the cold chicken in the fridge, and felt regret that I'd not
been there to share it.
At salsa, I danced with my
cognac,
the smooth, luxurious dancer, the one who never flirts with the
girls....This was our first dance of the night, which, as usual was
close to
the last dance of the evening - and he told me that he and guys (I
assume he is talking of the teaching crew) had
been talking, and had agreed that they don't know what it is, can't
quite define it but they can't keep their eyes off me when I dance. I
was stumped. This was cognac saying this. I didn't quite know what to
do with that information. I
know Cuban Cassanova has been giving me an extraordinary amount of
attention. He
flirts outRAGEously with me and has tried to get kisses on lips before
and Shiny Hair (another of the teaching crew) has been vocal in his
appreciation - but to hear this from cognac... oh my!
Cuban
Cassanova and Cognac share the DJ-ing and then the next song playing
was the salsa version of Lady in Red and cognac requested this dance
too- I was wearing my red basque - had this
been orchestrated? It felt that way. He was grinning ear to ear
throughout the song.
I am certain that part of my appeal IS that I'm a tough nut -
staying aloof despite being openly single. Even a very good salsa
friend of mine - I recently started getting the feeling is
working himself up to asking me
out - he's hinted at cinema and things - we were interrupted before he
could ask - but I like him too much to
want him to ask me out, I'm dreading him doing it, because I am
absolutely going to knock him back - Gone are the days when I'd go out
with people I didn't fancy just because they were nice and wanted to go
out with me.
It's Landlord I want. First time I've ever met someone I really really
wanted. Thinking of him keeps me from ending up with one of them. I
can't do it while he's still a possibility - and maybe that is why I
don't want to find out that he does not feel the same way. If he knocks me
back, I'd have to enter that scary world of men and dating again. My
hesitance may actually be self-serving.
But the night after the barbecue - I came so close to telling him how I
feel. Really close. I wanted to so much. I think it will have to wait
for another night when he's abit inebriated and open to long
conversations.
oooh but another piece of news - he and I are about as tactile as each
other, right. I've lived with him as a lodger for a year now, but we've never
so much as shared the sofa. So I was very surprised that he asked me to
trim his hair for him, just those annoying bits over the ears. I was
very conscious of touching him and tried not to let my hands shake too
much. It seemed quite momentous. If I were to make a move of my life -
this scene would definitely be included. (and the incident where I was
once so drunk I threw up all over my trousers and then realised I had
forgotten my keys to the cottage I lived in next door and so needed to
climb, vomit-covered, through a window, got stuck and needed a
friend to stop laughing and push me through, that scene would be edited
out)
