I am at home, I'm alone. It's about midnight, I can't sleep and so decide to read for a bit. Radio off, book in hand, the house is oh so silent.
Except it isn't. I can hear someone downstairs. At first it sounds like someone is trying to get into the door. Clicking noises and metal sounds. Then it sounds like it's coming from the kitchen, footsteps, someone moving about and picking things up and putting them down again.
"oh shit, I've left the living room curtains open and the house probably looks empty. Any burglar would think no one's been home. shit shit shit, I can hear someone in the kitchen. What do I do?! I'm on me own, I wish I'd done some martial arts instead of bloody Pilates!!"
Followed by the stupidest thought: "Oh no, and the kitchen is a mess cos I left the washing up from dinner.. how embarrassing that it's so untidy"
I decided to get up and move about noisily. Flush the loo, wash hands loudly, stomp and shuffle around. Hopefully any burglar will realise their IS someone home and scarper, and quickly. They can take what they like, I'd just rather not force them to react to me.
I made plenty of noise and then stood at the top of the stairs, in silence. Well I say silence, I could hardly hear over the roaring in my ears and the loudest heartbeat I've ever known. Top of the stairs I can see the front door, which was closed and so they must have come in through the back door. Whoever was downstairs must have heard me move about and is being ultra silent, too (probably hoping I will go away before they can scarper) I stood for ages, waiting for them to think the coast is clear and start moving again. Then, I could hear the almost inaudible sound of clothing moving against clothing.
Realising that if they escape throught he front door they would see me (in my blue pyjamas and looking like a very wimpsy female) I deciced to shuffle noisily to my room and close the door. Let's hope they don't want to come upstairs.
After ages in the room I started to doubt myself. Maybe it's next door making the noise (I can sometimes hear them coming up the stairs). My bedroom is at the back so I leaned out of my window to see if perhaps the back door is open. it wasn't. Hmmm have I been imagining this? Could I just be hearing next door moving about?
It took me an hour to pluck up enough courage to venture downstairs and check the coast is clear. I moved slowly to give anyone hiding a chance of escaping before I find them. No one. Check the kitchen, the dining room, the living room. Nothing. There isn't much worth nicking here. There is an oldish TV and standard Video, but no DVD player or any fancy stereo equipment. No computer, no family silver. The burglar would be very disappointed.
I noted that everything was still in its place. No burglar. Must have been the neighbours. Walking upstairs, I noticed that the hamsters, who I had moved downstairs to give me peace and quiet at night, were up and having a jolly old time rearranging bedding and running a Marathon in the wheel.
I don't know which was the stronger. The feeling of stupid or relief.
