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time to go
i still haven't decompressed yet
WARNING , what follows below is someone having a jolly good whinge, but there is light at the end of the tunnel........
things
were not helped with me being thrown into a social whirlwind. I got
home from a pretty intense Residential week, seven days of 14 hour days
of Open Uni work. I got home just after 5pm from a four and a half hour
drive. I plonked myself down on the two seater sofa. glad to be off
motorways, finally. Tn was on the three seater but did not get up.
Instead he called me to him (funny how at the time i felt bad that i
had not gone straight to him, was sure he would remark on this - yet
now i think about it, why did he not get up to come to me?)
Josh
(Tn's 15yr old son, who is up for the holidays, as of the afternoon
i'd left for Bath) had his Techno music blasting, so the house sounded
like a nightclub.
Then, within half an hour of getting in i
was told to expect a suprise visitor. Turns out Emma (Tn's
ex-girlfriend whom i had never met) was due to visit and was on her
way. Half an hour later we went to meet her at the bus stop.
she
stayed for a few hours. all i wanted to do was have a hot bath and
crawl into bed, but i stayed up and chatted, to be polite.
All
Tn seemed to want to talk about was what fun they had had in Sweden.
How well he got on with her family (particularly her brothers) and
asked about their news. reminisced about sailing (i have never been)
and skiing (ditto) and Sweden and happy happy times. Then everyone had
takeaway curry (cept me, i was not very hungry).
She had brought
her guitar and played (extremely well!) and everyone had a sing-song.
It was all very nice, but i was utterly shattered. Emma herself seems
really really nice, and i made an effort to talk to her and join in the
conversation, but i think she realised i was tired, cos i mentioned
Summer School and she asked me when i'd got back, quite shocked when i
told her.
She stayed a few hours but then she said it was
getting late and asked when the buses ran. Tn immediately offered to
take her by car to the station... except he' had a double whiskey, so I
would have to drive. you can imagine how enthralled i was at that idea.
i said neither yes nor no, but he pushed a further three times. well, i
was hardly in a position to refuse in front of Emma.
so
that was my Friday. got back form being taxi, had a hot shower and went
to bed. Satuday morning, Mum and her new chappie were due to come over.
Tn had invited them over this weekend, to stay. so they arrived and
Tn cooked a damned good lasagne (probably his best dish) Mum had
bought some alcohol free wine (mmmmh) and we had a nice meal. as Tn
had cooked, it was understood that i would be responsible for tackling
the nuclear fall-out in the kitchen. We have a rarely-used dishwasher,
so no biggie. i stacked it and put the pots to soak.... but was still
knackered as hell. 'aw, i'll do it later'
fell asleep on the
sofa and so did Mum and her fella, Andy (Mum had driven to Doncaster
twice in the last 6 days, since my big sis who lives there was in need
of some emotional support) Tn watched a movie. i woke up during the
end credits and decided it was time to stagger to bed.
Sunday
morning Tn woke me. he remarked on the messy kitchen and i said i'd
tackle it in a mo. i put the dishwasher on and made tea and breakfast
for all in the house and then Tn started the kitchen. and i mean he
practically polished the place.
when i do the kitchen, i always
wash, dry and put away, then bring the sink to a shine (see
www.FlyLady.net for details of why) but Tn usually lets them drain...
which is fine, i don't expect him to be as anal as me..but this time he
did the whole lot. i knew by this that he was making a 'point'. he only
does this kind of uber-clean to justify his inner-dialogue about how he
does everything etc etc but i had mum and Andy in the living room, so i
wasn't sure how to tackle this. Mum says Big Sis(who is
going through a family crisis that reads like an over-the-top script
from Eastenders) wanted to meet us in town, but had decided to come to
my flat instead. By this time, Tn had started stomping about the
living room making catty remarks about housework and suggested i run
the hoover over the carpet.... what now?! (my sis is no clean-freak and
would not even notice) and as i went to get the hoover (in the room mum
was staying in) i just burst into tears. i knew that as soon as
everyone leave he'd start the fight. Mum saw me get upset and we talked
for the best part of 45 minutes, i was having a good ole cry, about
Emma, about being tired, about his mood. Andy stayed in the living
room, Tn was God knows where and Josh came in looking worried at
seeing me cry.
when the doorbell went (Sis had arrived) Tn was
in the bedroom, according to Josh. Tn has never met Sam and clearly
was in no mood to do so today.
we all went to town, including
Josh, who was good as gold in enduring My sisters' dose of retail
therapy (i am flat-broke and already in overdraft, so i could not
indulge) Mum bought him a shirt he had seen and we all were cheery on
the bus home.
when we got home, Tn was still in the bedroom
(asleep?) and big Sis and Mum and little sis stayed a while, but
then announced it was time to go home. my heart sank. i didnt want to
stay and face the ogre when he gets up.
he finally woke
up a few hours later and we haven't spoken since. we work in the same
building, but he got up and got ready for work quietly (so as not to
wake me?!) . i was awake (had been for hours) but did not want to meet
him. i got up after he left and walked to work.
i don't
think i want to stay until october. This ain't no bad patch, this is a
theme. and i feel insincere staying. i can't sleep in the spare room
cos Josh is there, so i think it fairer all round if i go and stay at
Mum's place and commute. I'd still be prepared to pay my half of the
rent until October, or he gets a lodger or moves out... whichever is
sooner. i don't want him penalised cos i want out, but i'm not gonna be
sticking around for much longer.
Mum must've had a word with Big Sis in the car home, cos later Sis called me and said 'sod him, come
clubbing with your sisters on Thursday' so damn it, i's gonna!
i
am not sure how i am going to organise the move out (or when, i have
nowhere to go just yet, Sis is at Mum's place) but it will be most
likely before September.
he made it again plainly obvious that
he ain't no PhD. the only question he asked me about Bath was when i
was talking at him about the experiment (i didnt wait for him to ask)
and he said somethin like
Tn: so did you know what you were going to look for before you started?
Cooke: ???? [then twigs]...oh... uh, we had a two-tailed hypothesis
Tn: [blank stare]
Cookie: we thought about going for a one-tailed
Tn [blank stare]
Cookie: which means we know exactly what we'll find, but then settled for a two-tailed, cos the result could go either way.
Tn: yes, that's what i meant, so my question did make sense
so
i know what you're asking (or shouting).. why am i with this guy....
Good Bloody Question!!! but i know i'm not staying. Not missing him one
iota while in Bath, dreading going back home and then him behaving like
a git when i get back kinda settles
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16.8.04 12:41
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at Lynne's
After Tn threw such a big tantrum (an Award Winning Sulk, really) i
remained annoyed at him, too. By about the second night i think he was
ready to make friends again. i woke up in the night and he was close to
me. i rolled over, because i did not want to be friendly. Making up
would make breaking up too hard.
Then
a few hours later he woke me up to say "why don't you send Josh in here
and you sleep in the spare room" i was half asleep and too "????" to
answer. Then he added "it's just with you lying next to me, i can't
stop myself cuddling in to you" and i thought for a bit... 'why would i
go wake Josh up in the middle of the night? all my clothes are in here
and i need to get dressed in the morning, i'm better off staying here
in my own bed' so without a word i just lay back down again.
i
woke up again a few hours later and Tony was stroking my hair and my
face. i love this kind of affection, but i didn't stir. i needed to
maintain this silence in order to break up. i was also still very
angry. He had been all moody at me cos i left the lasagne plates from
Saturday night until he tackled the kitchen Sunday mid-morning, and yet
the curry he and Josh had had Monday night was still there 'soaking'
Wednesday morning. the double standard!
by the morning the penny
had dropped. the reason he had wanted me to move to the spare room was
to gauge whether i was open to a reconciliation. I still wasn't talking
to him on Wednesday and we had a talk.
I have now moved
out and am staying at a colleague's place while she is away on holiday
for a fortnight. It is very close to work and reasonably quiet.
Generally, i'm fine... i wasn't an hour ago. i think i hit my lowest
point then (at least i HOPE it's to be my lowest).
i had my first
proper meal since Saturday and it just made me feel worse (kinda
nauseous, but then food is a bit of a shock to the system right now)
Big Sis insisted we go out last night. i am so tired, since i have only managed
about two hours sleep a night (sometimes three) i end up spending 3am -
7am so restless, I'm rotating like a rotisserie chicken. and the not
eating, as well... going out is just the last
thing on my mind.... but i could not think of enough excuses, so she
picked me up and took me to Uckfield (middle of nowhere place) since
parking in Brighton is too expensive.
my
sisters made me get
changed into a skirt (the only one i own) and a basque (a little
revealing for me) and we ended up in some very empty bar place that
looked like it had been decorated entirely by the IKEA catalogue (not a
criticism, it actually looked very nice - but all the stuff was
DEFINITELY IKEA) and i was just not relaxing at all. What didn't help
was how hard people were trying to engage me. everytime i looked, Big
Sis and Little SIs were BOTH staring at me, WILLING me to have a good
time, but
i just could not relax...partly because i was wearing significantly
less than i usually do. in some misguided attempt at jollying me
further, Big Sis grabs my wrists and waves them to the thumping techno
beat. (Yeah, Sam, now i REALLY feel like partying). Making me centre of
attention is NOT the way to get me to relax.
Nn tried to
get me relaxed, too. he is a sensitive sorta chap, and i think he
wanted to bring me out of my shell a bit and so tried various things to
talk about . Unfortunately we got onto my current housing problem
(somewhat homeless) and i welled up, glad i had worn waterproof
mascara. My awkwardness sank into embarrassment. 'these guys must be so
glad they invited ME along'. i asked to change the subject and Little Sis
started a nostalgia session to help me talk a bit.
Later we
moved to a crowded pub where the Karaoke was going on. I relaxed here.
Nn asked me why i don't drink and i ended up feeling like the freak
again, trying to explain it's a religious thing. Nn believes the
common British belief than religion causes conflict (I'm biased, of
course, but i disagree, the biggest wars in our history have not been
religious, the Great War, World War II. Atom bombs in Nagasaki and
Hiroshima were not due to religious intolerance - religion has just
sometimes been abused to recruit others to join in, but really just
about anything that people get passionate about will do) but i
digress... i was in no mood to explain my religious beliefs over the
flats and sharps of Karaoke right now so kept it brief. Religion can
only be discussed sensibly with those who will reflect. Belief is
optional, but thinking is obligatory.
Before the end of the
evening, Nn had concluded that although we sisters looked quite
similar, we were all completely different. Apparently i am simply not
like most people. i seem to be on another level. Not like the rest of
them. Big Sis and Little Sis are normal, i am not. He mentioned IQ (my heart
sinks what it becomes my defining feature, it's like having a big nose
except everyone thinks you must be proud of it) and just settled on my
being different, with a casual wave of the wrist. I did actually try to
protest. After all, he was seeing the worst side of me. i looked
awkward, felt shy and probably came across as snooty. but he had
decided, i was not like the rest of them.
so the evening i
felt like the outsider. i was already aware i had been cast as the
party-pooper (Plan A was to meet in Brighton and go to a club instead
of staying in dull Uckfield. everyone seemed to think it was me who had
vetoed the idea, when it had actually been Big SIs... i dunno.. not
drinking and everyone thinks you must be boring!)
anyway, next
morning sam drove me to work (45 minutes away) and told me how Nn
fancied her. she went on about how great it is to feel desirable again
(she's just left her husband) and i felt so glad a) because she really
needs a boost to her self esteem and b) this means mum will stop trying
to pair us off.
tomorrow is the day i go to pack up the rest of
my things and move them to Uckfield. Tn asked that i let him know
when, so he can be out. But i think i left my house keys behind...
Big Sis has been bending my ear about this my half of the rent thing. she has a
point. i am paying half of something i am no longer using. And my
paying half gives Tn no incentive to find a lodger for September, cos
he would have the place all to himself at no extra cost. I, on the
other hand, am scuppering my chances of getting deposit money together
to find a place of my own. i told Tn i would not pay next month (for
October) , as he can keep my half of the bond money we paid upon moving
in. he accepted this.... but he wants me to pay half the bills. -
should I? considering i am taking only things i brought with me before
the move.... he is keeping everything else, including things we bought
together, not to mention a kitchen chock-full of food (i didn't even
have a teabag, and can't afford to go grocery shopping - saving my
pennies for the rent at the old flat and hoping i have enough for a new
place)
just thinking about the housing situation is making me
feel sick again. i won't need to sleep in a cardboard box, of course, i
always have Uckfield (where little sis and her man live) but i hate the place
and don't want to live there. The flat i left was exceedingly nice. (i
confess to envy that Tn gets to stay in comfort and without the
worries and hassles i have, but it WAS my decision to go).
Miserable
anyway,
the uncertainty is making me miserable. my working day at the office
(we are all doing overtime) is Hell on Earth, since we are preparing
for an audit and our files are in a mess (because young unemployed oiks
don't care if they don't turn up to sign their timesheets, but
Jobcentre Plus auditors do, and rebidding for our contract depends upon
us passing the audit - i certainly don't fancy being unemployed any
time soon!)
judging by how the guys at the office have been
telling me how tired i look (always doling out the compliments!) i
would ordinarily be ordered to take holidays, but the audit kills any
such idea.
so life is just rosey at the moment. It is times like
these that i am glad i never loved the guy (or this would be hearbreak
to deal with too) and that i don't drink (too easy to go too far) and
that I'm not into suicide (too much like hard work)
but hey,
tomorrow might be a good day (except I'm expected to join the gang and
go clubbing in Brighton tomorrow night, and isters have invited the freak
along - how can i get out of going?)
s'pose i should just pull meself together, stop worrying about stuff.
housing will sort itself out. things always seem to turn out ok..
somehow.
anyway, i am actually ok, just a bit in the doldrums.
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20.8.04 12:35
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Operation Moving Out complete
just got back from moving the rest of my things. i had to leave the
hamsters behind, since i dont have anywhere to keep them. I'll have to
collect them when i find my own place.
I felt nervous approaching the old flat, and packing was quite difficult. i wish i could define the emotion.
Tn left me a little note. sounds very sad, and he signed it my ever-loving
admirer. Sweet and it made me cry (because i'm sappy like that, okay?).
some of the stuff was dropped off at Lynne's flat and the
rest went to Uckfield. i left Tn a note, too. explaining why I'd left
the hamsters, asked him not to delete My Documents, as there were still
a few files i needed and also a small goodbye.
i wish i were more in touch with my emotions. i am feeling something right now and i can't say what it is.
but
one thing is sure, i am feeling 100% more positive than i did last
night. I feel fresh and alive. Probably because i had a full night's
sleep last night, and i had scrambled egg on toast, too. I haven't
eaten yet today and it's nearly 6 pm, so i guess i'm still being
anorexic.
Anorexia is a funny thing. when you are not being
anorexic, then anorexia is bad, but you always know it is only bad
because others say it is. When you are there, and not eating for days
on end, it feels really good. i can only assume there is a high that
comes with not eating. It is not an addiction, since you can break it
at any time, but there is a buzz that goes with completing a day
without food (or at least very little). Having thought about it, maybe
it IS an addiction, but unlike the kind in which you have to
consistently PREVENT yourself from doing it, anorexia you have to DO
something to break it, so when you have sane moments where eating
sounds like a good idea, you eat and it's done... an alcoholic in a
sane moment can only hope that these sane moments stay during the times
where alcohol is on offer. - but i really do enjoy being anorexic, and
i can't quite put my finger on what it is that i enjoy... why do i feel
such a sense of achievement when i can go a whole day without food? it
isn't anything to be proud of, really - well actually it sort of is, it
is endurance, it takes courage and strength and is not unlike running a
marathon It is something other people cannot do that i can. this is
think is its key. when i manage not to eat for the whole day (even
those days in which i feel no hunger and have no wish to eat) i feel i
am superhuman, capable and strong. - and at the same time i remember i
would be losing weight, to boot. i am sure in a culture in which fat is
admired, this would manifest itself in attempts at eating vast amounts
of food in one sitting, more than most people could manage. But in a
slim-is-beautiful world, the idea that doing this will also (as a
side-effect) slim me down (albeit temporarily) and so this spurs me on.
- but ultimately it is not about losing weight. i know this, because i
know that not eating all day will not make me slim. it will make me a
highly efficient calorie silo. my body will hang onto calories wherever
it can, so each choccie bar i eat will count for twice its normal
calorific value. all because my body's metabolism has slammed the
brakes on. - i know this, i accept this - but still i continue.
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21.8.04 12:23
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