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fuzzy-headed
all day sunday i felt very strange. like i could cry at ANY moment, if i allowed myself. very strange.
Today
i feel just as odd. at work i was very quiet and withdrawn. and my eyes
still felt like they were just waiting for the green light to cry, but
i didn't let them (except after-hours, as i was emailing Hasan) sounds
kinda daft and sappy but it's the only way i can describe it. i felt
very fuzzy-headed all day (probably because i didn't sleep very well)
maybe a night;s rest will sort that out.
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26.7.04 12:43
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goodness how strange!
Saturday
night I had a restless night. I dreamed a couple of disturbing dreams.
One of them I was on my bike in (or to) Indonesia. I was looking for my
ex-husband and instead met only his secretary Lela. She was yelling and
screaming at me,
telling me how trivial my reasons for leaving him were and how
selfish I must be. I felt utterly humiliated and, since I was not going
to find him I slunk off. I was a bit concerned though, as my bike had
no lights and it was already dark. (this is probably because I HAVE
been worried about a lack of lights on my bike, since I planned on
staying late in the office Monday to get some studying done)
the
following day I was in a particularly quiet mood, not saying much,
feeling generally very odd indeed. Tn asked what the matter was and I
just told him I'd had a rotten night with some weird dreams. It is so
unusual to dream about real people (or even to dream at all) and why my
ex-husband? why now? I put it down to playing with my new camcorder. It
may
have triggered memories of filming Mowgli and Sophie with the camcorder
we borrowed
Sunday Tn was pottering about with the
computer. It had stopped booting up so he had both computers in pieces,
reinstalling and the like. Boxes everywhere, as he must have rummaged
through them to find disks etc.
I knew I had my TMA 05 to start,
but to procrastinate I started some serious housework. I cleaned the
bathroom, I dusted the windowsills and cabinets, cleaned the Venetian
blinds and curtains, dusted the ornaments, de-cobwebbed the corners,
cleaned the kitchen, cleaned the bathroom and got rid of the dying
flowers in there, I put some washing on, cooked dinner, washed and
dried up and brought the sink to a shine (I enjoy shining my sink) and
then sat down to watch something inane on TV.
after
some time
Tn starts to put all his boxes away and then I am aware of him
muttering to himself about me being the laziest girlfriend he'd ever
had. mutter mutter mutter - (and he does have a tendency to be quite
annoyingly annoyed at stuff very suddenly and in EXACTLY the same way
my dad used to when I was a kid - pushes ALL the wrong buttons for me -
I can't STAND it when people start throwing their toys out the pram
about some thing that has just this minute pissed them off. The more
trivial the thing, the more it aggravates me - people should learn to
just shut up and deal with it!) anyway....
He starts to whinge
and moan in his way and I can't work it out, not when i've just had a
housework-athon that very day. This just plain annoys me so i'm not
very likely to leap off the sofa in a frenzy of helpfulness - would
you? Especially not when he mutters something about me being a lazy
b*tch. Now I don't take too kindly to name calling and though this is
his first offense, I am sufficiently offended to not want to talk to
him for a while. (is that sulking?... I guess it is) he also said
something about us not being together anymore in October (when our
rental contract on our flat runs out) which he has mentioned twice
before... Not exactly shockingly frightening news to me, since I am
already more than prepared to take a side step out of this
relationship. My problem has been merely how to a) tell him and b)
afford my own place. Each time he has said it, I don't know if he is
expecting some kind of reaction, but I never know quite how to react.
Textbook says I should start crying and begging, but I really want out,
too. I guess silence is not the best way to handle it, but I never
quite know WHAT to do.
I
can understand why he is
annoyed at me, though. Apparently he asked me to help him with the
boxes and I just plain ignored him. I guess it hasn't occurred to him
that I hadn't heard him. If I ask him a question and I get no response,
I would assume he hadn't heard and would ask again - I would not assume
he was deliberately blanking me. Why does he not extend the same
courtesy?
we had spent saturday night in the spare room (as our
bedlinen was not yet dry) and so sunday night I slept there, but Tn had
already gone to bed in the main bedroom. I was in no mood to share
a bed.
I had another funny dream, except this time I was about
to die. someone was with me and would go through the orange light
alongside me (I have no idea who) and I was nervous but ready (I always
seem to be nervous but ready to die in my dying dreams) on the other
side I was aware that I was floating around a market. I was looking for
a body to reincarnate to. I found a small girl (about two or three) and
I entered her (it seemed right, not theft or anything). As the little
girl, I began to ask people where I might find my ex-husband. tugging
at their
sleeves and I even asked people who knew me (such as Chris) but I was
glad I was the little girl and so no one would know it was me. I
managed to get directions, but I could not reach his office. it was
round the back and up some stairs and I (this little girl) could not
get there. I so wanted to go find ex-husband and tell him that this
little
girl was really his Heather. But I woke up without having found him.
Anyway,
this morning I just left for work without Tn (quite a big deal since
we work at the same building). I am still quite annoyed and can't be
bothered to make up.
so I guess neither of us is in the right
on this and I am behaving like a spoiled kid. I do, of course see
this... but I am actually more annoyed about being name-called and also
generally about the way he behaves at minor frustrations (he does it so
often I can't help but roll my eyes) I guess my emotional investment in
'us' is already not there, so what's the point, eh.
My next
worry is finding a place to live on my own that I can afford, come
October (this city is so expensive) but I admit I have sort of kept my
eyes peeled regards prices of 1 bedroom flats in the area, even months
ago. I had already decided a while ago that Tn, nice as he is and he
does indeed have many good qualities, has to go, as there is just too
much that bothers me to consider him life-long mate. It actually works
out quite well that he feels the same about me. (unless I have
subconsciously been behaving in ways that push HIS buttons, to create
this situation, I wouldn't put it past my subconscious, or maybe i've
been reading too much Freud in my textbooks)
Monday at work
i check my emails, as usual and WHATTHEF....? there is an email sat
there from ex-husband... completely out of the blue. the last contact we had
was, well months ago. I vaguely remember sending him something out of
the blue, and that was March.... how strange that I have two dreams in
two nights and THEN an email from him from absolutely nowhere... how
freaky is that?!!!
I sent him a reply - perhaps more candid than
is wise (about Tn and our tiff) but what the heck, maybe these two
dreams have softened me towards him.
anyway, i am now waiting for ex-husband's reply.
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29.7.04 17:03
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