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i'm in the middle of Muhamad Asad's The Road to Mecca,
and his thoughts on Palestine and Zionism (even back in the 20s) is
reassuring. i wish all people would read this book. He sometimes
over-romanticises, but he seems to have found his heart among the Arab
people (and the Bedouin, especially).
My islamic me seems to wax
and wane. it is waxing at the moment. I went to bed last night, sending
out a silent request to Him to wake me for dawn prayers. at about
4.30am i was wide awake and bright as button, He HAD woken me up for
Fajr, Alhamdulillah!, but then i realised that if i got up, i would
almost certainly wake To.
Since he is already in a bad mood
with me (he had a tantrum last night, odd to see him have a tantrum in
exactly the same way as i used to with my ex-husband) then i would just make
him into a bear with a sore head in the morning.
i
lay there for
ages, debating whether to get up or not. Last time i got up for Fajr he
was so annoyed with me for waking him. Did i want to risk it? he was
already in a mood with me - -said i was treating him just like my
ex-husband and Little Sis treated me i.e. taking for granted and being
lazy with the
chores. he may be right, i might have been. though he seemed to have
forgotten the time when he was doing just that to me, and seemed to
forget that i cleaned up the kitchen and tidied the living room when i
was making him breakfast in bed that morning (only cheese on toast with
chilli, nothing grand).
his technique of sulking was to go into
cleaning overdrive. He practically polished the kitchen. i know the
technique well, having used it frequently myself. the logic is simple:
i feel taken for granted doing all the housework. To increase my sense
of right and anger, i do MORE housework continuously, mentally
justifying my position while quietly seething... mentally repeating to
myself the mantra that i do everything around here.... i know it, i use
it, now i am on the receiving end and it looks a little ridiculous to
my eyes.
when he threw his anger at me i just stayed quiet. i
don't know why i didn't argue my point back at him. i am always so
afraid of defending myself. at the time i tell myself there is no point
in doing so, since an angry person never listens. i know what i know
and that is enough, no need to tell them i disagree.... but really, i
know it's because i am too much of a coward to face the counter-attack
it would encourage. better to take the first snap at me, which is only
one, then not give them any reason to do it again. tail between my
legs? that is what i worry is the side effect. the person is never
challenged and takes my silence as a quiet acquiescence. i know in
times when i have been angry and convinced of being right, that a
challenge of this has lead me to change my mind and concede i may not
have been as right as i thought... but still i dare not take the risk
of a second snapping, so stay quiet and slink off.
anyway, i
veer off the point. this morning i was so wide awake, thanks to Him for
waking me, and yet i was now not sure whether to risk getting up. i
debated for so long that the time for Fajr passed. i heard the dawn
chorus and went back to sleep (though a very restless sleep,
continuously waking up, and such i deserved, too...shame on me!)
i
woke up in a bad mood - at Tn mostly, annoyed that it was he who
prevented me from getting up, prevented by my fear of his being annoyed
with me, but really annoyed with myself for letting him control
me in that way. my loyalty should lie more with God than with Tn... i
should have got up, regardless of what Tn might be like in the
morning. it was not a case of 'i am too drowsy to get up' i was really
wide awake, bright as a button. I am very impressed at how well He had
woken me (but then He IS the Almighty, hehehehe). i was just too
cowardly to want to be told off again.
anyway, i told Tn about
this on the way to work. i wanted him to know how afraid of getting up
i am, that he was unintentionally preventing me from doing something i
felt to be important. i told him this, so that i would have the courage
to get up tomorrow morning without him grumbling. it also means he
won't grumble tomorrow morning when i get up, because he will know i am
afraid to wake him. i am not sure how he would feel about me taking a
shower at 4 am, though...
he seems so open to my faith. we
read the Qur'an together most nights. i think he is learning from it,
learning how in tune it is with what he already believes. He is Muslim
but does not know it yet. Funny that. my fear is only that he may not
take the shahada, prevented from his tradionalist tendencies. he does
not seem especially open and welcoming of new ideas (told me he would
not marry me if i did not take his surname and can't seem to see my
side in this matter)
but he is a Muslim, just too scared to
commit himself to such a label. His mother would go mental if he told
her he wanted to convert, he can't see himself telling people he is
Muslim, but i am sure that he believes in Allah, in His Messenger, in
the Last Day. He struggles only with the extras that come with being a
Muslim.
had i not had to convert for legal reasons upon marriage
(as per Indonesian Statutory Law, NOT under Islamic Shariah Law), i
would also probably never have taken that grand step into becoming 100%
Muslim... i would merely have been a spectator, a silent, sideline
supporter of Islam without subjecting myself to its ways... and have
been the poorer for it, too.
i don't wear the scarf, though. my feelings are ambivalent.
i would like to wear it, for modesty, for symbolism of my faith, to
loudly declare i am proud to be Muslim... but i also wonder if it IS
strictly necessary. i remain not entirely convinced, though i still
envy the women who wear it. (the niqab is another matter... i dislike
it and think it bad dawah, too..however, each to their own)
i
also sometimes feel unworthy of wearing hijab. i would be telling the
world i am a Muslimah, when my practice of the faith leaves much to be
desired. do i deserve to wear hijab so publicly?
then there are
the more mundane reasons. once i wear it, can i take it off again? if i
am too hot, can i roll my sleeves up and show my arms? i would no
longer be comfortable going into a pub (seems odd, but i have no
problem going to the pub. i don't drink alcohol but i see nothing wrong
in buying a soft drink from a pub - so long as i don't drink or
encourage others to do so.
and what about Tn. He has told me he
does not want me to wear it. He would feel uncomfortable to be seen
with me wearing it. i guess because i would stand out from the
crowd....people would assume he is a bonafide Muslim, the ignorant may
even think he makes me wear it, lol.
i have semi-secret plans
to wear it over my OU residential week in Bath this August. I'd like to
see how it feels to be a loud, proud Muslimah, to see whether or how
others treat me differently, to explore it, try it out. i have not told
Tony that i want to, in case he tells me i shouldn't.
Never
before, in any of my relationships have i felt so...i don't know...
powerless? i live in fear of upsetting him, annoying him. i constantly
worry whether what i am about to do will displease him. i never felt
like that with either Sv or even my ex-husband.
i am not sure what it
is. Tn always seems to SAY the right thing, about being fair and
reasonable, open and flexible... yet somehow i don't FEEL it. it just
seems like words. i can only assume that his actions or body language
belie those words.
if i were to think about it, i do see many
instances when he has snapped at me for something accidental, or not
reacting to an instruction or statement i really had not heard. No one
has ever made me feel more stupid than he has, and yet he never tells
me i am stupid. his words are so opposite to how he makes me feel
though... why is that? why do i feel so cowed? so powerless, so
constantly afraid?! surely that is not healthy... but i don't know what
to do about it.
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4.5.04 17:23
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Well, i failed to
get up this morning for Fajr prayers uh-GENN. i woke up but knew i
would need to shower, which would wake Tn up, even though these past
two nights he has been waking me up repeatedly... last night he snored,
he shook the bed while cleaning his ears out (one finger in ear,
shaking vigorously) or he sits upright and asked "wh...? what did you
say?" when i hadn't said a word, he had just woken himself snoring.
i
am going to have to think of something for those sort of mornings. i
got up early and showered before work, so i could at least do Duhur on
time.
work has been ok. i seem to be able to strike the
balance between admin work and the telephone based Field work. i
confess i prefer the predictability of paperwork (how sad am I) but i
must not neglect the client work. so far so good.
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5.5.04 17:25
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needed to stop by at the supermarket and get some Tarragon and since
Tn is looking for some particular spice for his curries, my boss
suggested we take a look at the Taj Mahal (an asian food shop / halal
butcher) whic we did and MY GOODNESS they had everything! cut meats,
cooked meats, raw meats, halal jelly, halal EVERYTHING. they had the
chilli sauces we like, more spices than i had heard of... and fresh
fruit and veg, too.
i
would like to move to eating halal meat, to support the Halal meat
industry, to support our brothers in earning a living.... and so i
think i will go to buying my meat from here.
i bought some
garlic pepperami type sausages there to try... i think they may just
rival Tony's beloved Kabanos.... a good pork-free alternative for him
to have... he liked them, anyway - so it looks like our pork free
compromise will be easy to keep.
After
we stopped by at Taj
Mahal (where i was like a kid in a candy shop) we dropped by at TJH.
Chief Exec was there and Tn let slip something about the new 4 people
to
be hired (and Chief Exec seemed not to know about a fourth) and also
the
staff conference. Tn mentioned that not everyone from his team will
be there, to whcih Cheif Exec seemed to begin to seethe. It seems he
and Tn's boss had already had a falling out today and this was the last
straw.
in fact, the way he was talking, it sounded like he would seriously
haul her over the coals for this. I didn't know where to put myself, it
was all very awkward.
Tn seemed keen to stress his loyalties
to the company, but also trying to not dig his boss into a deeper hole,
so both of us were desperately trying to backtrack.an hour later we
left and i felt a bit weird, not entriely sure whether this was a
set-up to get Tn's boss into trouble or a genuine accident.
though
a piece of information that transpired was that the project is not
making as much money as Tn had been led to believe by his boss... in
fact the project was currently running at a loss!! hmmm i guess that
means Tn's payrise is out of the picture.
well anyway, i am taking a break from my studies... i have to go back to trait-based theories of personality.
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5.5.04 17:27
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